(With
grateful thanks to Fr Michael Scanlan TOR talk at Franciscan University of
Steubenville, Ohio. 1989)
THE
BIBLE REQUIRES: NO SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE; FIDELITY INSIDE
MARRIAGE. In this age of numerous deaths
by AIDS, being faithful to this
requirement could save your life.
1
Corinthians 6:12-20; 7:1-16; 25-28; 32-35; 39-40. 1Thess. 4:3-8; 2Tim.2:22; Col.3:5.
From the
above Bible passages and others, we can see God wants people:-
1. To
abstain from sex if they do not have the sacrament of marriage.
2. Be
faithful to their spouse for life if married.
The Bible sees
fornication and adultery as serious sins.
People growing up in the present permissive society, the most erotic
perhaps in world history, can be shocked at the Bible’s very strict sexual
morality. But we ignore it at our own
peril. If we fail to read the user’s
manual on our new washing machine, and it breaks down, we can only blame
ourselves. The Bible is the user’s
manual for us human beings. It makes it
very clear that fornication and adultery exclude people permanently from the
Kingdom of God, and to eternal separation from God, unless they
change. (See 1 Cor.6:9; Gal.5:19;
Eph.5:3-5; Apoc.21:8). Note that
FORNICATION in its widest sense in the Bible refers to immorality in general,
and to every kind of sexual sin.
THE BIBLE AND VIRGINITY:
The Bible expects a man and a woman to be
virgins when they marry. (Isaiah
62:5). St Joseph was going to leave Mary
because he thought she was pregnant outside of marriage. (Matt.1:19).
In the Bible, a young woman named Sarah,
prays: “O LORD YOU KNOW THAT I REMAINED PURE: NO MAN HAS TOUCHED ME, I HAVE NOT
DISHONOURED YOUR NAME OR MY FATHER’S NAME”.
(Tobit 3:14-15)
The Psalmist poses the question: ‘How can
the young remain pure?’ The Bible
answers: “By obeying God’s Word” (Ps.119:9).
So what has to be obeyed in God’s Word?
1. We
obey the 6th and the 9th Commandments – they are
Commandments, not suggestions! They are
for our good, not God’s! ‘Do not commit
adultery’ (6th) ‘Do not desire your neighbour’s wife’ – or husband.
2. We
avoid all ‘occasions of sin’ (Ezek.18:3) because ‘whoever loves danger,
will
Perish in it’. (Sirach 3:27) Job avoided occasions of sin when he said: “I
made a pact with my eyes not to linger on any virgin”. (Job 31:1)
Ben Sirach said:
“Turn your eyes away from a handsome woman.
Do not stare at beauty that belongs to her husband. Woman’s beauty has led many astray; it
kindles desire like a flame”. (Sirach 9:8-9)
This is why Jesus said that “if a man looks at a woman lustfully, he has
already committed adultery with her in his heart”. (Matt. 5:27-30) This obviously applies to women as well, as
lust is not just a male sin! See
story of Ohola and Oholiba. (Ezek.23)
Jesus went on to say
‘Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God’. (Matt.5:8) So obviously those who are not pure of heart
will never see God – unless they repent.
3. The
Word demands that we obey the injunction to ‘FLEE FROM FORNICATION’. (1 Cor.6:18)
Our bodies are the ‘Temple of the Holy Spirit’ (Eph.4:30). The body ‘is not meant for fornication; it is
for the Lord... So use your body to glorify God’. (1 Cor.6:13-20) In the Old Testament we have a dramatic
illustration of ‘fleeing fornication’ in the story of Joseph, son of
Jacob. He was a virgin and so handsome
that his Egyptian master’s wife tried to seduce him. Once she grabbed his tunic, but he left his
tunic in her hands and fled from the house! (Gen.39) Flee fornication!
4. Obedience
to God’s Word demands that a man and woman are not to live together until there
is a permanent and indissoluble agreement.
As civil marriage and many non-Catholic churches allow divorce, only the Sacrament of Marriage in a church before
two witnesses fulfils this obligation.
Jesus told the Samaritan woman at the well that the man she was living
with was not her husband. So it was
wrong. (John4:18)
5. Part
of the obedience of faith demands that young men must always treat young women
with propriety as if they were sisters and not sex objects. (1Tim.5:2) But it is also the girl’s responsibility to
dress modestly. Scripture says – “I also want women to dress modestly, with
decency and propriety”. (1Tim.2:9) A
Christian should only date when they are completely ready to get married and
support a family.
The teenage years are a time of
‘seething hormones’, making self control very difficult, and sin and compromise
inevitable. Best to wait.
6. Truly
it can be said today with the plague of sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s),
including HIV and AIDS, God has set before us life and death and we can choose:
“I set before you life or death, blessing or curse. Choose life then so you and your descendants
may LIVE” (Deut.30:19) It is not
God’s will for young people to die prematurely of AIDS and pass on the deadly
disease to their innocent children.
For the majority of people their
vocation is to marriage. But some
believers are not called to marriage, because they have the charismatic gift of
CELIBACY – a gift of the Holy Spirit. (See 1 Cor.7:7, 32; Matt.19:12;
Lk.18:29-30). Of course this does not
mean that people are free to sleep around and avoid the responsibility of
marriage! It means living permanently in
purity of heart. The charism of celibacy
is the special ability God gives to certain believers to be unmarried and not
suffer undue sexual temptations. Jesus
said that this is a gift that some believers have. However, there is a role of celibacy that all
Christians need to exercise sometime.
For example, a businessman travelling away from home and his wife, men
and women who have lost a spouse through death or divorce, Christians, like
school children who are not yet married, homosexually inclined people etc. But available to all is the glorious
liberating gift of self control, one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit,
which allows a Christian to live a victorious life instead of being a prey to
basic instincts. See Galatians 5:22;
Acts 24:2; 2 Tim.1:7; Titus 1:8; 2 Pet.1:6
CHASTITY OR PURITY IS FREEDOM: - Freedom from dangers
- Freedom to live victoriously.
A. Chastity is Freedom from dangers:
1. Pregnancy outside a stable marriage bond.
2. Being pressurized to have an abortion
– Abortion is Murder (Psalm 139:1)
3.
Worry of having to get a baby adopted.
4.
Guilt.
5. Sexually transmitted diseases like V.D,
HIV/AIDS and Death.
6.
Dangers of birth control contraceptives – can damage health.
7.
Can become sterile.
8.
Being used by others and then dumped.
9.
Loss of good reputation.
10. Ruining one’s future – HIV takes
about 10 years before it is obvious.
11. Having to pay maintenance by boy for
baby until it is 21 years old.
B. Chastity is Freedom to live
victoriously:
1.
Develop friendships.
2.
Resist temptations.
3.
Plan your future.
4.
Grow to maturity, not die in agony and leave AIDS orphans.
In
the Sunday Times newspaper (25/10/1998) it had a story about NOMALI DLADLA who won the prize
of a new car from her parents for preserving her virginity when many at her
High School didn’t. Nomali said ‘Being a
virgin guarantees your health. You don’t
have to be afraid of getting AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases... I
believe in preserving my virginity for my husband”. TRUE LOVE WAITS. PLEASE NOTE WELL: No Catholic can receive Holy Communion whilst
living/sleeping with a person they are not married to in the Sacrament of
Marriage. The Bible gives a serious
warning about receiving Communion unworthily.
See 1Cor.11:28-31. But mercy and
forgiveness can be had in the Sacrament of Confession. Jesus did not condemn the woman caught in
adultery, but forgave her. By God’s
grace we can always start afresh. Every
morning God’s mercies are new. (Lam.3:22-23)
FRIENDSHIP AND DATING:
A few years ago the WALL STREET
JOURNAL reported that 80% of males in
the USA and 70% of females were sexually experienced by 20 years of age. This shocking promiscuity has not produced
happiness, but a mounting toll of suffering, disease and death. In the US more than one in five
Americans, or 56 MILLION PEOPLE are infected with a sexually transmitted
disease that is incurable! (New
York Times 1/4/93). The cost of
treating diseases is about $10 billion EACH YEAR. Every year more than 12 million Americans are
newly infected with V.D.; 25% of these victims are teenagers. (CWR July ’97).
America is the home of ‘safe sex’, and
we in South Africa seem hell-bent on following it. Our TV’s are on day and night showing an
endless stream of American immorality.
Yet as Christians, disciples of Jesus Christ, we can’t just float along
with society. TO BE CHRISTIAN IS TO
BREAK FROM THE WORLD, THE FLESH AND THE DEVIL. (Lk.8:11-15)
“Friendship with the world is enmity
with God”. (James 4:4) One of the causes
of sexual chaos in the USA is teenage dating.
The American writer, J. Harris, says:
“Dating hasn’t been around forever.
As I see it, dating is a product of our entertainment-driven,
‘disposable everything’ American culture.
At the turn of the 20th century, a guy and girl became
romantically involved only if they planned to marry”. Now the norm is sexual intimacy without any
commitment whatsoever. This is certainly
not God’s will.
Four points for consideration in this article on friendship and
dating:
I. Develop
friendship with (a) same sex; (b) opposite sex.
II. Date
only when ready for marriage.
III. Avoid
sin and near occasions of sin.
IV. Avoid
emotional damage to one another.
I. DEVELOP FRIENDSHIPS: This is important for growth and school or
college is an ideal time. “May the Lord
be generous in increasing your love and make you love one another and the whole
human race, as much as we love you”. (1 Thess.3:12)
We need to
develop the ability to make friends, but this is not easy as we can be self-centred. We need to build on the rock of God’s
Word. We need to give and receive love
as brothers and sisters and as members of the Body of Christ.
(a) SAME SEX FRIENDSHIPS: If you have not formed friendships with the
same sex, then you are not ready for opposite sex friendships. Dependent friendships, clinging to someone is
very unhealthy. God help the person who
marries this type! It is difficult to
survive by oneself, how can we carry dependent types who cling like leeches?! Men
need a base of men friends and women need a base of women friends. How? By sharing, spending time and helping
one another, celebrating joys and sharing sorrows. The three big escapes for the lonely and
alienated are sex, drugs or alcohol. Sex
is often used to ease loneliness and not so much for love. Hence the importance of mutual Support and
Friendship.
(b) OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS: After strong single sex friendship, then we
can move on to friendship with the opposite sex. It is important to learn simple friendship,
and not to see others as objects of conquest.
We need to see them as brothers and sisters in the Lord, and be able to
relate to them in a friendly and chaste manner.
We should not be avoiding the opposite sex or be ‘bird dogs’
either! We have to learn to deal with
attraction and not have it run us.
Things will stir within you, but keep your head. How? Think
group! Plan on a group basis – no
sloping off to exclusive one-on-one friendships. Think group and plan as a group to go
on outings together etc. Learn to enjoy
companionship together without having exclusive friendships, with its slogan:
‘Two’s a company, three’s a crowd!’ We
are called to love the Lord as he loves us.
Jesus set the standard for love.
We should avoid using the other person.
Our goal should be the holiness and happiness of others.
Certain
Considerations:
(i) Friendships should be inclusive – looking
to share with others and not be in exclusive one-on-one, intensive
relationships. Should be group and
outward orientated. It should sadden us
if we cannot share and accommodate others.
(ii) You should be building one another up in
holiness and be virtuous. (Virtue comes
from the Latin, meaning ‘manly strength’). St Francis de Sales said that we
should be ‘pure, loving, courteous and virtuous’. We should have committed relationships to
serve other and be accountable to others, not be jealous nor exclusive, nor
allow infatuation with someone to make us secretive and neglect our duties at
home and at Church, preventing us from even praying. This is a very unhealthy relationship. Remember: ‘My dear people, let us love one
another since love comes from God’..... (1 Jn.4:7)
II. DATE ONLY WHEN READY FOR MARRIAGE: Dating for fun with a whole lot of people in short-term relationships does
not prepare people for marriage; instead it can be a training ground for
divorce. We cannot practice life-long
commitment in a series or short-term relationships. At the right time, dating is a good
way to prepare for marriage.
A. NEED
TO HAVE A SENSE OR CALL / VOCATION OF DATING FOR MARRIAGE: Are we called to celibacy or marriage? We can have the attraction to
marriage, but not the vocation or calling to marriage. Do not confuse attraction and calling. It is very important to know the Lord first
and have a relationship with Him before we wade into deep waters of friendship
in preparation for marriage. Does the
potential spouse know and serve the Lord?
Some think they can “love first and convert them later”. But this attitude has a very low percentage
rate of success – below 5%; 19 times out of 20 this fails! So put the Lord first. God has a perfect plan for your life if you
put all your trust in Him. (Jer.29:11-13)
More than likely that plan includes marriage, and if so, somewhere in
this world God has the perfect person for you.
Your daily prayer for this could prevent a lifetime of misery if you get
yoked to the wrong person. Jesus said
“Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and everything else will
follow” (Matt.6:33) Let us live our today’s
for his Kingdom and entrust our tomorrows to his providence. God knows what he is doing.
B. MUST
BE A READINESS TO BE SERIOUS: To
enter into a relationship that could end in marriage. Some enter into a serious relationship
without the readiness or intention to marry and this can end in disaster – in
hurt, pain, anger, fear and discouragement.
So we shouldn’t start on a downhill track on something we cannot follow
through.
C. SHOULD
BE A RELATIVE PROXIMITY TO MARRIAGE:
- NOT A 2 or 3 years from now so relationships can proceed
naturally. It is not possible to put
something on hold after accelerating downhill!
Dating is not a valid form of recreation; it is a serious business and
serious relationships are being formed.
It’s not like a game of ping pong.
It creates momentary excitement with a long bill to pay afterwards: it’s too powerful, it creates bonds, people
bare their hearts to one another and this can ruin lives and lead to alienation
from God. Recreational dating is fooling
around and can be dangerous. Everyone
may be doing it, but at the end of our lives, we won’t answer to everyone. We’ll answer to God.
D. IS
THE OTHER PERSON A SUITABLE RIGHT PARTNER?
There has to be a common vision of life and family and children – of
being ‘two in one flesh’ (Matt.19:6).
There has to be a common value system before marriage – now
not later. As mentioned above ‘love
first and convert them later’ has a very low success rate! This is why in the Catholic Church all over
the world, it is compulsory to have preparation classes before marriage so the
couple can face all the relevant issues.
(Re non Christians, See 2 Cor.6:14)
III. AVOID
SIN AND NEAR OCCASIONS OF SIN: Holy
Scripture says we must “avoid all occasions of sin” (Ezek.18:3) because
‘whoever loves danger will perish in it’ (Sir.3:27) “do not be deceived:
neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male
prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor
drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers, will ever inherit the Kingdom of
God”. (1 Cor.6:9) Of course they will be
saved if they confess their sin and return to God. For the unmarried, petting and other
intimacies are immoral, and constitute fornication. So there is a need for the couple to make
agreements as regards touching, physical contact, so as to be able to stop and
avoid sin.
With petting, one cannot stop as
one wishes – things can get out of control so quickly and then there is
pregnancy or HIV/AIDS and death.
MAKE CLEAR BOUNDARIES. For example, no intimate touching or laying
down together. Old chastity books used
to recommend that couples avoid “petting”.
We’ve always been amused by the term because it makes the boyfriend
sound like a labradoodle. But there’s
wisdom in this. Intimate touching and
embraces tease your body and only serve to make purity more difficult. Keep your affections simple, because the
further you go, the further you’ll want to go.
In other words, the more pure you are, the easier it is to be pure.
That might strike you as
puritanical, but think about it. As they
say, “If you’re not going to Cleveland, what are you doing on the train?” Why deliberately stir up desires that will
only need to be shut down? The more you
do with him, the more you’ll both daydream about it. When you’re together, the more easily you’ll
slide back into the same habits. The
boundaries will become more vague, and stopping will become more difficult. (J
& C Evert, How to find your soulmate, p. 81)
HOMOSEXUALITY: In the homosexual area – no sexual acts as
this is a form of bondage. But it can be
broken. The person with homosexual
inclinations has to follow the same basic principals as people with heterosexual
inclinations. The difference is that the
heterosexual can be fulfilled, but the homosexual cannot. (See Romans
1:26-27) Check www.couragerc.net
MASTURBATION: This is virtually always closely connected
with the lustful thought life and sexual fantasies which a Christian must avoid
(Matt.5:27 says if you look lustfully at another you have already committed
adultery.) Masturbation is something
that the normal person has dealt with or is dealing with – one must trust God
and break with the habit. Break habits
by repentance, confession, getting convinced in one’s self that you don’t want
it or need it. One needs to be convinced
to avoid Satan’s lies that it’s necessary or unavoidable and that one will be a
better marriage partner and be free and happy etc.
PORNOGRAPHY: All sexually orientated material intended
primarily to arouse the reader, viewer, or listener. Porn promises but cannot deliver. It entices and allures but it never
fulfils. One needs to stop reading porn
books, watching late night TV shows that lead to sin. Don’t create mental images of sexual contact
and then think you won’t be inclined to sin.
Don’t be alone with the opposite sex late at night – even for
prayer! Understand the basic realities. Be realistic!
In 2 Corinthians 10:5 we’re commanded to ‘take captive every thought to
make it obedient to Christ’. We are not
to be captivated by lustful fantasies, but to take control of them and make
them obey Christ. It takes 20 seconds to
get fantasies into our minds, and 20 years to get them out! Porn is highly addictive.
IV. AVOID
EMOTIONAL DAMAGE TO ONE ANOTHER:
Great violence happens, people get really hurt, depressed, whole social
life can break down – can be emotional abuse that leaves serious scars and
hurts. Don’t get into something that you
are not able to handle like superficial short term relationships (dating for
fun!). We need to love and care for one
another from the heart. Do not create
deep emotional dependency. Males are
more likely to go for intimate relationships without commitment and then walk
away as if nothing happened and leave the girl shattered. We should not be out to conquer, flirt or
manipulate, as this can result in a terrible emptiness when you realise that
you have been playing with someone’s life.
A girl who constantly flirts, rarely has strong friendships with other
girls. They react to a flirt with either
jealousy or hatred. This whole area can
stir up frightening emotions and murderous passions. It is not to be entered into lightly or
flippantly.
Christian youth should help and
pray for one another so they can avoid sin and grow to Christian maturity and
happiness. “AND LET US CONSIDER HOW WE
MAY SPUR ONE ANOTHER ON TOWARDS LOVE AND GOOD DEEDS” (Hebrews 10:24)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
PRAYERS:
Create in me a pure heart, O God (Ps.51)
Help
me to be like Job, who made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at
others (Job 31:1). Forgive me for
pampering lust in my life; help me to
guard against it faithfully. May the
‘meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my God’. (Ps.19:14)
Jesus
help me to love as you do. Make me pure
of body, pure of mind and pure of heart, that I might see God and enjoy his
plan for me. Make me clean, and heal me
from the wounds of sin. Strengthen me to
live the love that you call me to each day.
By myself, I am weak and my heart is not pure, but in You I can be
strong and pure.
Mary,
I want to be pure like you are.
St
Joseph, I want to have your courage to guard the purity of others and
myself. Please help me in my walk with
Jesus, so that I can glorify God in my body, and join you all in heaven one
day.
Hail
Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed
art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy
Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen
St
Joseph pray for us.
St
Raphael the Archangel, pray for us.
St
Maria Goretti, pray for us.
HOW
DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE IN LOVE ? (or IF IT IS ONLY INFATUATION?)
LOVE INFATUATION
1. Personality the main attraction. 1.
Physical qualities the main attraction.
2. Gradual when sharing experience. 2.
Suddenly after one or two dates.
3. Trustful, secure, calm, hopeful and 3. Distrustful,
insecure, jealous, fearful.
self-confident.
4. Inspire work. Ambition and interest 4. Destroys
interest and application to in life. Work.
5. Add to friends, close to family. 5. Lives
in one-person world. Neglects
friends.
6. Parents and friends agree with 6. Parents
and most friends don’t agree
relationship. with relationship.
7. Distance no problem – may grow 7. Distance
harms the relationship.
stronger.
8. We, our.
As a unit. 8. I, me, mine.
Each one for himself.
9. Proud of loved one, eager to 9. Embarrassed about relationship.
Introduce to others. Secretive.
10.
Willingness to face reality. 10.
Disregards problems. Each one for
Solve
problems together.
Each one for himself.
11.
Does things to make other one 11.
Exploits for personal pleasure.
happy. Protects. Selfish satisfaction.
12. Ends slowly. First try to work 12. Ends abruptly.
things out.
QUOTES:
True
love:
Love
is patient, love is kind. It does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love
never fails. (1 Cor. 13:4)
He
who bends to himself a joy
Doth
the winged life destroy.
But
he who kisses the joy as it flies
Loves
in eternity’s sunrise.
(William
Blake)
“If
you really love something set it free;
If
it comes back to you, it’s yours,
And
if it doesn’t, it never was!”
HIGHLY
RECOMMENDED BOOKS:
Jason
& Crystal Evert: PURE LOVE (Catholic answers www.catholic.com)
HOW
TO FIND YOUR SOULMATE WITHOUT LOSING YOUR SOUL.
21
Secrets for Women. (Totus Tuus, San
Diego)
Also: Novels by Jane Austen, possibly England’s
most Christian novelist whose books emphasise the importance of good character
in a future spouse.
